Sunday, December 08, 2013


The other day a friend's kid called me the chillest motherfucker alive. That was good for a laugh. I've never spent much time in the cool spectrum of the emotional color wheel. RED trended to the red zone, the color of adamant, angry fire, of madness and meltdowns. I liked roaming that range. It felt good to sweat.

Awake in bed the other night, I tried to remember the last time I felt that kind of raw emotion. Nothing came to mind. Like the sidewalks outside, everything in my head was covered in a blanket of cold.

I tried to banish the chill by reflecting on the mayhem I've created. I tried to remember the gold I touched that turned to shit; nothing like a little humiliation to rekindle guttering flames. Still nothing. Out of the red, into the blue.

In some ways this is a good thing. I'm quieter now, more willing to listen. I don't trip as much. The few people who still count me as a friend seem to appreciate it. Some have said I'm harder to know, what with the new walls. True, I have done some interior decorating in the past couple years, so pardon me if I still stumble around. Even I don't know the new layout of my personality. Lots of things are different now.

Little bits of the day still grab me and give me a rough shake, just to remind me of the change in my decor. It's better now than it used to be. It only happens six seven eight times a day; I can remember when I couldn't go an hour without a dozen of those reminders of what it used to be like, living in the fire. My therapist would say I'm growing out of my old ways, like a kid outgrows an allergy. He's also the one who thinks my current inner winter is because I had a fling and got flung. My therapist is a huge douchecanoe.

Life-altering moments are rare, and when they happen their impact informs the future in ways we can never predict. I didn't know at the start of 2011 that the fire inside me would surge and scorch my world, only to retreat and wink out of existence. I didn't know the badass braggart would become a quiet sentinel in the ashes. Pardon me: a chill motherfucker in the ashes. It's all in the way we word things, isn't it? The new color for 2014 is 18-3224. I say it's purple, but Pantone calls it "Radiant Orchid." Ever so much better, that. Maybe I'll throw a coat on the new upstairs walls. Purple has always been my favorite color.

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