Monday, November 18, 2013


"I can feel your energy has been different," Malibu said tonight. Leave it to the Cali girl to see through the artifice of a Cali boy. I've been working overtime to be Above It All, the guy who doesn't feel a fucking thing and makes sure everyone knows I'm fine, just fine — girl fine, sure, but I'm one suave sumbitch and there's no need to be anything more than superficial because that's the guy people like, the one-name aging wunderkind who is fascinating in small doses. An illicit pleasure, best sampled and cast aside with a been-there-done-that smirk of survival and satisfaction.

Inside ... God, inside the cauldron is roiling and boiling, my thoughts muddied to the clarity of week-old coffee in a filthy percolator. I feel like a trifle with most of the shine worn off, not ready to be cast aside but soon destined for a space on the shelf of the DAV — you know, the section where everything is a buck or less and on weekends you can find a sticker where I'm on sale for a quarter. And even then I'd be gathering dust because too many hands have worn away the plating and all anyone can see now is my cheap plastic base.

A plentiful waste of time, as the old Kurt Weill song goes. The autumn weather has turned the leaves to flame, and I find there is less time to wait these days, so little time to try to restore some of my shine. The days are precious and they dwindle. I seek redemption and one more chance at making right what has gone so wrong. But I'm 400 pages into the book that is my life and only now do I realize I should have written a different segue a few chapters back. Too late for a wholesale rewrite, and I'll be goddamned if I scrap the whole project. What a waste of perfectly good ink and paper, and seriously, this story is too compelling to trash; we haven't even gotten to the climactic train wreck.

I am a man in autumn, still perfectly happy to frolic in summer and sure as hell not ready for winter. Outside cool, inside blue. In girlspeak I feel unpretty, and maybe I am just tripping. If I'm going to trip, then, I better have plenty of fun doing it.

I have to fight.

I won't give up.

I can't give up.

I refuse.

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