Wednesday, August 28, 2013

LIFE NOIR

The door to my bedroom creaks — a low, slow groan as it closes out the world. I am safe now, secure in my room with my purple yoga mat and things I mean to hang on the walls but probably never will. No time for one thing. No reason for another. I mean, it's not like I'm inviting anyone into the room where I meditate and sleep, and there's not exactly a line forming outside the door. So there's no reason to pound nails.

Besides, the only things I have worth hanging are relics from my past lives, totems that no longer apply to the current version of Ron (I think I'm up to version 7.0, or maybe it's v7.1.1, a minor upgrade that fixes a few bugs and provides a more stable experience). The awards are propped against one wall; old front-page proofs are facedown on the carpet, unrolled but covered by boxes. I tell myself I'm doing that so I can get them to lay flat again — you know, so they'll look good when I get around to putting them in frames.

"You're being mighty nostalgic on Facebook these days," a friend told me last night.

"I am," I replied.

"May I ask why?"

"Because I have to embrace who I was and square it with who I am," I told her.

She asked: "So you can embrace who you're going to be?"

Zot. One question too many. It's not the reason, either.

I am blessed, I tell my friend. Blessed and luckier than any man has a right to be. Even the times in my life that have ended badly were blessings. There is no reason to embrace the future Ron, version 8 or 9 or X. There is only now, and what comes next is something I don't want to talk about. It'll happen soon enough.

No comments: