Tuesday, August 06, 2013

LATE-NIGHT NOTE TO THE UNIVERSE

I swore to All That Is Good And Gracious that I would send only positive thoughts out to you, and I intend to keep that pledge. Even when the darker angels invade my mind, I intend to keep that pledge.

It's not always easy, natch. But when is life ever easy? Especially when it's midnight and the silence roars, so loud I want to clap my hands to my ears to stop the dead sound. My god, but it's louder than ever.

In the silence I hear the lingering resonance of bells and bliss. I remember happy, hopeful times. These things make it impossible to sleep.

So: positive thoughts. A new place to live, a place I can call my own. New things that carry no memories, no burdens from the confusing past. A chance to write new chapters of life. These are all positive thoughts, yes?

Change all around me. Beloved colleagues, departing the Paragraph Factory for new opportunities. Old friends and lovers, fading into memory. This is how it's supposed to be.

Positive thoughts: an opportunity to create a third act of life, one filled with new experiences and faces, new writings that challenge the status quo.

Forget what has been. Those days are over. Bury the living dead and remember them fondly, without rancor or remorse. Regardless of what others do, no need for nastiness. No reason for resurrection. Let them be little.

Positive thoughts: throwing away the shackles that made it impossible to see a future. There are many days still to live, many ways to navigate the unknown trails ahead. There is no need for a guide beside me. I will set fire to the bridges I've already crossed and use that light to illuminate what is ahead.

"Take time for yourself," Lauren says, and I know she's right. The answer will not be found in another relationship, or by diving into a river of debauchery. Time to turn inward, away from the madness and mad messes that have been the norm for the past few years.

Positive thoughts: work and play and thoughtful introspection, all in equal doses. No more obsessing. No more self-loathing. My past sins have happened. I need not repeat them. Not even the ones filled with fun.

No comments: