Wednesday, July 17, 2013
The surface noise of life disappeared. The creaking of the machinery in my head, the deafening hum of the world — it suddenly vanished, leaving complete silence and clarity in their wake. And I understood in an instant what I have to do.
Last night at the bar I watched a long table populated by colleagues. I studied their faces, watched them interact with each other. I saw what camaraderie means. I was outside of that loop, a non-presence at the head of the table, the shadow I have become.
Moloney texted and we talked for an hour. By the time I closed my eyes it was past 2 a.m. The dreams came fast and hard. I looked in the mirror and saw the hole at the tip of my tongue. It hurt. My oldest and closest friends were there. I asked them to help me. They laughed. I asked The Girl to help me. As she does in dreams these days, she tells me to bite my tongue. I do. I wake up swallowing blood and crying, and I let myself do it for more than 10 minutes. Because I know what comes next. Time for Step 2.