Monday, July 15, 2013

ON THE TURNING AWAY

"Life never goes as planned," Spencer wrote, trying to figure out why the Graybeard is at a loss for words. So earnest, this guy. He actually thinks there's a heart beating inside the rake's chest. And he wasn't even drunk when he wrote these words.

Spencer continued:

When I was 7, I wanted to be TV meteorologist ... at 12 a newscaster, at 18 a TV/Film Producer. What's my point? What I thought I'd be now and what I actually am have drastically changed. 

I've learned to embrace the chaos and move forward.

It's one of toughest things I have learned to accept at my age — that the person whom I've been searching for may not even exist. It's one of the saddest thoughts of my life, yet it may be for good reason.

Perhaps I need to accomplish something that requires sacrifice. I'd rather my life be devoted to something that makes a difference than having a normal, nuclear family.

I do believe God calls us for different things, and sometimes we need to swallow our pride and listen.

Conclusion: Maybe you, Ron, are being called to do something else at this time in life. Just have an open heart and listen ... you never know what may be in store ... Don't walk away from faith just yet. It would be a shame to turn back now.

Again with the heart. Little does he know that I'm not thinking about walking away from faith, or family, or friends. The turning away has already happened. It's not a sad thought. I'm pissed about it, as mad as I've ever been about anything in my life. Such a fucking waste of what should have been, and inside I rage at the foolishness of it all. There is no goddamned good reason for any of this to have happened. There is no sense here. I've shut my mouth and listened, I've opened my heart and swallowed my pride and embraced humiliation, I've done what I was asked to do. And still the sun refuses to shine.

Fuck it. Light is changing to shadow, shrouding everything I've ever known.

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