Monday, February 25, 2013


He was buried, and he was raised from the dead on the third day, just as the Scriptures said.

— 1 Corinthians 15:4

Raised from the dead — but it took three days, which is a long wait when it comes to zombies. Today's zombies go on the attack mode within seconds of death. Even the slow-moving ones from George Romero's mall nightmare commence to brain munching just a few minutes after losing blood pressure. (The cold ones from The Walking Dead are an amalgam of old-school and new-school Z-rules, generally quick to rise but slow on the shuffle.)

On The Walking Dead it takes between three minutes and eight hours for a dead person to awaken as a zombie. None of them takes three days to get going. If that was the rule of thumb you'd have 72 hours to put a hole in a zombie's head before they reanimated, and that would make for one boring flick.

If you believe the Apostles' Creed, Jesus took so long to get out of the grave because he first had to make a side trip to Hell. It seems a little excessive — I mean, suffering under Pontius Pilate, then a journey to Hell? — but if he's dying for the sins of the whole world one might expect an extra heaping helping of suffering.

(Or maybe he went to Hades. Some subscribe to this school of thought, saying it's all about a mistranslation. Way too deep for a pinhead like me, who's still hung up on the whole Purgatory thing, and how it seems like a half-hour layover stop in a mediocre city on a long bus trip to Des Moines.)

Wondering about JC's possible Zombie status came about because, hey, even the government thinks about zombies from time to time — and because of the above portrait, which seems more than a little ... creepy, know what I'm saying? It makes Christ look like the sort of guy who might awaken from a pulseless state and start gnawing on craniums.

There are those who will insist that Jesus was not a zombie, but a savior who appeared several times in the 40 days after his death, even showing Thomas the wound in his side and peeking at the doubter through the holes in his hands. Bolstering this point of view is the lack of documentation that Jesus ever craved brains in his post-resurrection period. You'd think if that was the case, someone would have mentioned it ("he used to like the loaves and fishes, but now it's just brains, brains, brains!").

Still: died, came back to life, wandered around with a group of fellow travelers. We've seen that movie before, and it wasn't directed by Mel Gibson.

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