Monday, February 25, 2013

EARTHQUAKES AND LIGHTNING

The February 25 full moon is also known as the Snow Moon. The Cherokee called it Nvda Kola, the Bone Moon, because hungry people would boil bones and gnaw on them, there was so little to eat.

A moon of hunger, hanging from the sky on my birthday — though seeing it will be difficult tonight, with rain and snow in the air. In this case, I can believe without the visual. I feel the sharpness of the Bone Moon in my chest and stomach. I am starving.

Last night I could see the moon's brilliance as the clouds roiled below her. Already voracious from weeks of enforced abstaining, I watched the moonlight and thought about nourishment and the lengths I would go to get it.

Marley said every man thinks his burden is the heaviest, and while I do not believe my starving soul compares to the real agonies of the world, I feel its weight on me, so I know it. Marley is right about this much: I must have done something wrong. Otherwise I would not find myself in this place, far from the things that sustain me, more distance added each day as I keep running away and running from myself.

I have removed my presence and been excised from most of what used to be my known world. I am surrounded now by orange-speaking people who fill the hours with words about how I'm better off, and with enough smoke in the air I almost start to believe them. But the talk does not sate me; the hunger only grows, and I know what I'm swallowing has little nourishment and contains only temporary pleasure.

This is my fault. I was too busy counting stars and lost the moon for a while. One night I looked up and realized how dark it was without the sun's light reflecting off the moon, and I understood once again how much I lose when the sunshine leaves my life. But by then I was too far off the path, in unfamiliar woods, with people who fed my ego but did not feed my soul.

Late last night as I contemplated shards I said a small prayer to the sun brightening the moon, and hoped it wasn't a bad moon rising and shining through the clouds. Bad times today, but better times tomorrow, I said to myself, looking with hope as the Bone Moon cut through the clouds and illuminated my face with its reflected sunshine.

Today I got my things together and prepared for nasty weather.

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