Tuesday, October 16, 2012


Once upon a time in the not-too-distant past, I used to love looking up the word of the day on my phone. It was one of the things that brought great happiness. I'm older and wiser now. But I was still right. Words bring great joy to my life, especially ones that can be used in so many different ways (and perhaps this is the reason I appreciate the word "fuck," but that's for another day).

Today's word for me is "sap." It describes the duality of my life on this Tuesday: a body fluid essential to life and vigor ... and a foolish, gullible person.

I still feel vigorous and vital, despite clear and convincing evidence to the contrary.

But I also feel foolish and gullible, and I'm extremely angry about this — not at the people who take advantage of me, but at myself, for not being good enough. A good-enough person wouldn't be treated as a throwaway friend. A good-enough person wouldn't be an afterthought. A good-enough person would have enough worth to be valued.

I am not that person, though I'm trying. Every day I try to do a little better — walk a little straighter, have a little more pride, possess a little more value. I'm trying. Every day since May 5 has been a struggle; fuck, every day since last November has been a struggle. And here we are, almost a year later, and still I writhe.

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