Today's word for me is "sap." It describes the duality of my life on this Tuesday: a body fluid essential to life and vigor ... and a foolish, gullible person.
I still feel vigorous and vital, despite clear and convincing evidence to the contrary.
But I also feel foolish and gullible, and I'm extremely angry about this — not at the people who take advantage of me, but at myself, for not being good enough. A good-enough person wouldn't be treated as a throwaway friend. A good-enough person wouldn't be an afterthought. A good-enough person would have enough worth to be valued.
I am not that person, though I'm trying. Every day I try to do a little better — walk a little straighter, have a little more pride, possess a little more value. I'm trying. Every day since May 5 has been a struggle; fuck, every day since last November has been a struggle. And here we are, almost a year later, and still I writhe.