Sunday, July 01, 2012


"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

— Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

I noticed it the other day. A person I know started acting ... strange.

His normally standoffish behavior was suddenly, inexplicably swapped out for warmth. He became friendly. When this person was otherwise preoccupied I stared behind his ears to see if perhaps there was, tucked back there, some sort of mind-control device — an IFB for the brain.

And then I realized it was just a glitch in the parallel universe.

You know how string theory allows for several spatial dimensions? The best I can figure, sometimes something screwy happens between Here and Over There, something goes insane in the spacetime dimension membrane — and voila: a person Here gets temporarily traded out for their counterpart Over There.

That would explain the sudden swap in personalities; everyone knows the people in the parallel universe are our exact opposites. The Over-There Ron is a thoughtless, pushy pig; if I ever act that way, please know it's only Evil Ron from the parallel universe, and feel free to slap him several times with a cattle prod.

If my theory holds true, the person I know who's acting odd is actually a stranger in a strange land. Poor sweet fucker can't help it; he's just stumbling around in a place that looks like home, trying to figure out why everyone thinks he's a dick. Over in his world he's universally beloved. Our version of him must be having a splendid time. Maybe they're taking him to a hospital to see if a brain tumor might explain his sudden personality change. Or maybe they're giving him a lobotomy. That would help.

The next time someone in your life starts acting the opposite of what you're used to, don't overthink it trying to figure out what has changed in their life to alter their behavior. It's just the universe messing with your head. Go along for the ride. Let the string play out.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's not your evil twin, Red. You're just weird.