Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Bad idea. This morning I am in a bad zone, unable to think. I overslept my alarm. Running hot water through the Keurig for a cup of tea took entirely too much focus. Taking a shower was an exercise in concentration — how do I use this bar of soap?
And the dark thoughts: I don't know if this is a typical reaction to Ambien, but I find myself focused on the shortcomings of my life. My left foot is throbbing in agony and feels like it weighs 100 pounds. My left hand is numb. And in my mind a refrain keeps repeating itself: Why bother? Why continue to go through this hollow exercise of trying to regain some semblance of what I've lost? I see no reason for trying. Barrow seems like a sweet dreamscape this morning, not some place of exile. It seems like a reasonable reaction to the events of the past month.
Perhaps this is simply a test of my endurance as I live the monomyth. But whatever gifts my helper has given me seem lost this morning. I trudge through the unfamiliar landscape and stumble on the rocks. Falling does not seem like defeat right now. Falling feels sweet.