Thursday, June 07, 2012


The moon was bright this morning, bright like a midnight sun. No Ambien last night, though I was sorely tempted by the bottle and its opportunity for the Big Sleep. That would be stupid, however, and for all my flaws, lack of intelligence is not one of them. Besides, it's Thursday. Who wants to pile it in on a Thursday? Fridays are better days for that; whatever happens on a Friday is quickly forgotten by Monday. Ask anyone who's in the news business.

So I put my head on the pillow and pretended to sleep, even though there's no one there to deceive. Past 10, past 11, past midnight: I imagined I heard the tick of the alarm clock I don't own; I fancied hearing the sound of another's sweet, light snore. I must have drifted off around 1 a.m., still waiting for ... what?

I'm not sure.

"Answers" is my instant response, but life is not that black-and-white. Answers, like fancies, are fleeting and pass too soon. Instead I think I'm seeking a connection, a chance to relocate my center and feel like everything will be OK, everything will be alright, even if just for an evening. That's fleeting, too, but for all its temporary nature, a connection also provides comfort and a chance for a few smiles, something that's in short supply in my life right now.

The alarm was set for 3:10 a.m. At 3:03 I look at my phone, sighed, and opened the laptop to see what was new, to see what had happened while I didn't sleep. Nothing.

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