Tuesday, June 19, 2012


A lack of darkness is almost as good as sunshine, I told a friend in need last year. It was advice to a fellow misfit, someone who knew — as I do — what it's like to lie on a cold floor, the world a blur of misery, and wish for an end to existence.

I need to listen to my own advice today.

After a night without sleep I can feel the jagged darkness creep into the corners of my vision. "Not sleeping — not good for you," Lindsey says, putting on her makeup in the green room. It's not quite 5 a.m. There are 12 hours to go before this work day is done.

"What are you doing here so early, anyway?" Lindsey asked.

I told her the truth: "I don't have a life," which got a laugh out of her. Good to know that my reality is worth a chuckle.

It's my own fault, this lack of sleep. I was up past 2, writing about writing, and then it seemed like a good idea to boil some eggs and make some tea. I should have known I wasn't firing on all cylinders when I screwed up the eggs and they came off the stove a soft-boiled mess. Amateur mistake.

Pretty soon it was 3, and then 3:30. Time to shower. Slip on penny loafers and get ready for the day. No longer does it take me five minutes to lace up the Chucks, but it's still a pain to do. Today, I'll take every shortcut I can.

The sun is coming up now. No lack of sunshine today, but that's not the point of the mantra at the top of this post. Even the brightest day can have its emotional clouds. The key for today is ignoring those scuttling patches of shade and focusing on the lack of darkness. It's like I said on Facebook at 4 a.m.: You're alive. Quit your bitching.


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