Tuesday, June 19, 2012


"You're shaking," JJ said, as he shot a video of me on his phone. "What's with the shakes?"

"It's the Hippy Hippy Shake," I fired back without blinking. My nerves may be shot but I know my old-school pop culture, baby — and I wasn't even around when Chan Romero did the song. That's how fucking good I am. And I would be goddamned if I let JJ see how rattled I was by his observation about my hands.

"I mean, what are you, Stroke Parkinson?" he mocked, sliding the needle in a little deeper.

"Heh," I said, skipping the obligatory Michael J. Fox joke about making good martinis. It wasn't until JJ left that I exhaled deeply and tried to get a grip.

I adore the guy — he's been a friend for years, back when he had hair — but the needle about my hands stung. Pretty much everything stings today. It's too easy to blame a sleepless night for the frazzled feeling. I know it's more than that.

It's so many things, too many things. It's everything.

My IM and email conversation with Calliope was fitful at best — stilted and odd. Of course I love communicating with her, even when it's strange; she is such an enduring enigma. But because we don't know each other now I am out of sync with the rhythms of her moods and I don't know when to expect her lapses into quiet. I was off-balance today. It was not a comfortable feeling. I don't know what to think anymore.

I kept thinking of the stupidest tidbits on my to-do list: buy cat litter. Make fish for Tiger. Vacuum. Restart my laptop and run a disk utility program.

I kept wondering whether I'll find sleep tonight, after last night's lack of shuteye. I drank mug after mug of strong tea laced with sugar, hoping the combination would give me enough energy to make it through the day.

I kept thinking of the boon I'm supposed to seek and when I'll know what it is I'm searching for.

And in my head I kept hearing the Beatles — actually, I kept thinking about watching Across the Universe, the movie based on songs by the Fab Four, and in an endless loop the lyrics kept running through my brain:
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me ...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jai Guru Deva....Om....I love that song.