Thursday, May 31, 2012

COMING TO A GREAT REALIZATION

Two minutes before 3 a.m. Thursday:

In my dream I cannot walk. I'm paralyzed. I start hitting my useless legs with my fists, pounding them and feeling nothing, and I start screaming: "Not fair! Not fair! I still have time!" And suddenly there's a shooting pain in my right leg and it's excruciating but at least I can feel something.

One minute before 3 a.m. Thursday:

I wake up on the floor with the cramp in my right leg that has warped my dreamscape. I jump to my feet to grab the notebook at my bedside and fall right back down. For a moment I had forgotten about my left leg.

I start to cry.

But then I catch myself. Because just before falling asleep last night around 11:30 I made a vow to myself and wrote it in my notebook: Quit wasting time.


The Rolling Stones were full of shit. Time is not on my side, not on your side, not on anyone's side. It's here, it's fleeting, it's gone, we're dead. My mother, your grandfather, our loved ones: here and gone and go ahead, let Prince or the preachers tell you about the afterlife, believe what you want to believe, but I only know about the here and now and we don't have time for this.

No time to mess around. No time to ponder. We either acknowledge that fact and grab hold of each other and push forward, or we might as well call the medical examiner and quit wasting time and air.

Life is scary and unexpected. It's easy to get paralyzed. It's even easier to put off what needs to be done because floating through this world and working to not make a mark is often easier than taking a chance.

But scarier is the idea of dithering. In two days it will be one month since I stroked out. One fucking month, and what do I have to show for it? A lot, that's what. I've got a long way to go before I'm back to being a super hero bad-ass, but I'm determined to get there. And I'm taking the people I love with me along for the ride. I won't waste time on losers. I don't love many people, but none of them are mediocre. I don't love many people, but the few that I do are remarkable.

So what the hell? Our time is running out. Let's go for a walk and see what's ahead of us. I'm up for it. Are you?

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