SEX AND THE MARRIED CANDIDATE

On CNN, Wolf Blitzer wraps up the stumbling that passes for speech and introduces more "Ballot Bowl," a stupid and meaningless nickname for the cable network's political coverage on this Saturday. No one's dressed out for full-contact football or putting heat to hash, the only things that should happen in a bowl.

But wiser pinheads have thought this one out in retreats and meetings of the operating committee and top-dog managers. A bowl it is. Who are any of us to argue with the country's second-place cable news network? It isn't worth the effort to bitch. FOX News knows that lipstick-laden prompter monkeys are key to winning viewers and bad reviews. Screw the bowl nicknames. People would rather screw the FOX anchors, especially the ones with legs that would look comfortable around someone's neck.

Sadly, it's the only sexy part of this election. Sen. Slick McPretty -- the twanger known as John Edwards -- was blown out in Nevada. Four percent. One-tenth as popular as either one of the frontrunners. Even if he hews to his promise and stays in the race until the convention, Edwards is now nothing more than a handsome Dennis Kucinich, only without the integrity.

Hillary Clinton is not sexy, not even in a Mildred Ratched way. No dominatrix overtones -- no fun ones, at least, and we suspect she's allergic to latex and leather. Fun sex? Hillary doesn't know what that means, unless she's thinking about Bill's romps. She's a MILF without the ILF, a woman who would rather harp than hump.

Barack Obama is the sexy Democrat by default. Pitiful. He's got the cadence and the charisma, all right, and plenty of boys and girls want to get in his heart, brain and pants. But his cult of personality is sickening. It proves how easy it is to Jonestown a crowd. Otherwise-smart people fall for dope words like "change" and "insurgent" and before you can warn them, they're in line for grape Flavor Aid. Sure, it tastes bitter -- and the convulsions are a bitch -- but my, that man sure knows how to talk pretty.

The clot of Republican candidates is likewise bereft of sexiness. There is Ron Paul, the crazed great-grandpa who could use a syringe full of Haldol. He's the textbook visual to stave off unwanted erections or premature ejaculation.

John McCain was handsome before that whole Vietnam torture thing; now he's insane -- heroically insane, but still nutballs. Part of him remains in the Hanoi Hilton, shackled and beaten and cackling maniacally. Flashbacks of any kind are dangerous and cannot be tolerated from a candidate for the highest office in the land.

Phlegmatic Fred Thompson inhibits arousal wherever he goes, except with the hopeless political romantics, the dearly devoted who root for guys like Tom Tancredo and Duncan Hunter and actually believe them to be presidential material. They're like the mother who thinks the nice boy dating her daughter will be a fine husband, once he outgrows his affection for show tunes and Madonna.

Despite the presence of five men who claim he is their father, Mitt Romney looks and acts like he's never had sex. Perhaps it is his striking resemblance to a brunette Ken doll, which is not anatomically correct.

Rudy Giuliani is creepy sexy, a leer with a sneer. One can picture Rudy in a sweaty, submissive three-way with a female relative sporting a strap-on and a strapping prison inmate festooned with soot-ink tattoos. Rudy would be a bottom, of course. And he'd like it, beg for it, all the while whimpering and crying out for Mommy. He screams too much about security to really feel it in his boner.

No matter how repugnant, Rudy's sex chic is Vivid Entertainment compared to what Mike Huckabee exudes from his preacher pores. Lord, but one glimpse of that man sets off the crazy-ass alarms. If he wasn't an ex-governor running for president, he'd be prime meat for the fantasy scandal grill -- juicy, chockablock with wailing and tears and little boys. So easy to see. Too easy to see. He's got a son who likes to kill dogs and looks like an inbred lummox. Huckabee's wife, Janet, is a somewhat-handsome man. Huckabee himself likes to pardon dangerous prisoners, so there's that hint of beefcake lovin' in his personality.

It all reeks of Deliverance, and we've already had that once in the Oval Office. Dip a cigar, pardon a murderer. What's the difference, really? Both are perversions.

It's all Bill's fault. The flaccid campaigns, the lack of sexual mojo among the candidates -- all Bill's fault (especially true when it comes to Hillary). His shenanigans are legendary. George W. Bush screwed a country with his policies, but Bill J. Clinton screwed an intern with his cigar. Hell, anyone can have policies.